As I sat down, in what was obviously the ‘client’ chair, my therapist asked sweetly “So what brings you here today?”
I took a deep breath and let the words tumble out “My mum died three weeks ago and now I feel like I just want to blow up my entire life. Is that normal? Should I blow it up?”
My therapist smiled at me, took a long pause and tilted her head slightly before responding with “Maybe?!” I was surprised and slightly annoyed (a simple yes or no is preferable. I like things to be clear, people).
After weeks of unpacking what was happening, things started to make sense. The heartbreak and complexity of losing mum opened up a whole new window in my awareness. I could suddenly see the myriad of places I’d been repeating our relationship dynamic again and again. Everywhere I looked, I saw places where I’d take on too much responsibility, tried to make everyone happy, get it right and be ‘good’. It was in my work, my marriage, and even with friends and family – heck, even with people I didn’t really know. I saw systems I’d built - roles, structures, dynamics and expectations - where I was overloaded with too much to do, plus doing the majority of emotional heavy lifting too. And still felt like I was falling short daily. It all felt very familiar. Ay caramba!
Seeing this landscape with new eyes was devastating. I was exhausted and burned out with no capacity for change. And yet, I was very clear I couldn’t keep going on like this.
Like so many, we spend our 20s, 30s and 40s building our lives from the outside, hoping it will fulfil us on the inside. And it does. Kind of. And then it doesn’t.
And now this season of my life was asking me – nope, begging me – to tear it all down and start again. To build again. Only this time from the inside out – simpler, easier, lighter and more joyful.
I was terrified and VERY reluctant, convinced I could keep going if I “just try a little harder”, if I just waited for things to change, for ‘them’ to change. Or if I just practiced more gratitude (watch out for this one if you’re spiritually inclined!) So like a good high-functioning woman, I pushed a little more and kept going until something inside me broke. It wasn’t spectacular or even loud. Just a quiet shattering of all that had once been real and true.
And that was it. I knew deep in my bones, I can’t and don’t want to stay in a life where I feel crushed under the weight of it all and like I’m disappearing – in a life where I don’t feel, well…. Alive! I didn’t want to hold it together any more.
I don’t want a life where I don't feel alive!
I spent the next few years consciously dismantling the life I’d spent decades building, and truthfully, it was many layers of hard. On the outside, I separated from my sweet husband, moved home, said goodbye to some friends and renegotiated boundaries with others. The last sacred cow was the business. This one I gripped onto with white knuckles, but I knew I couldn’t hold the weight of it anymore either. When you’re responsible for peoples’ livelihoods, HR contracts, and rent negotiations - it is heavy and not fun at all.
With all these changes on the outside, came essential transitions on the inside too. It meant letting go of old identities and ways of showing up in the world, and of beliefs I’d inherited that I never really believed. It meant turning my back on cultural messages that demanded I tow the line, and even letting go of the approval and respect I thought I needed to be ok. My values and priorities were changing, or maybe they were simply becoming clearer?
Much of this meant growing my capacity to disappoint others; and this is still the hardest part of all, but it is getting easier. And if I’d had read that sentence 10 years ago, my reaction would have been along the lines of ‘but that’s just selfish and unloving!’ But today I understand my natural inclination to want to support and take care of others, encourage people to be true to themselves, my ache to do the right thing and be kind and loving – it includes me. I get to be included in that circle of love and truth and care.
Some of these changes and transitions were graceful and sweet, others were like a wrecking-ball and messy as hell! But I can give myself grace as I know in my heart, I always did my best in the moment.
From the outside this can look brave…or reckless, depending on your frame of reference. But truthfully, I believe it’s simply a sweet and brutal surrender to pain that has purpose. To an undeniable truth of what we need to thrive and flourish.
There are seasons in our lives when we’re tilling the soil and planting – letting new things grow and bloom into something big and beautiful. But as any gardener knows, we also need to prune and cut-back to keep things healthy and fresh; aligning with our seasons. Sometimes we even need to repot ourselves, finding a new environment where there’s more space, better light, more nourishing soil and better air quality to breathe and thrive.
Humans are just really complicated plants.
Humans are just really complicated plants. And just like plants (and trees), we grow in two directions – up and out into the world, and down and deep into our roots.
So where are you my love, are you planting or pruning? Knowing where you in the cycle can bring much relief and help to make sense of things.
A woman I'm working with shared with me last week “I feel like my life is falling apart!” And after we made room for the fear and sadness and truth of that to land, we also shared the relief. “Gosh, I hope so!” I replied. Because it was a life she no longer wanted, that didn’t support or nourish who she is now, that had become so painful she could barely breathe. And that simple reframing and recognition that this pain had purpose, meant we ended up in a puddle of laughter. Isn’t that just the best?!
If you’ve outgrown the life you have, it’s ok. Really it is. We are meant to grow, we’re meant to change, evolve and adapt. We are meant to shed old layers, and then digest and metabolise our experiences to create something new. It's not even a case of letting go, but simply accepting what's already gone. Something new and even more magnificent is trying to emerge my love, and the work is to get out of your own way: simply create the right conditions so it can bloom into its full glory. Now wouldn’t that be grand!
And please, please don’t do this alone, it makes it ten times harder. Get your support team in place (a bit like an Olympian!) so you have structures to hold you together while things temporarily fall apart.
If you want help to navigate these tricky waters, then I’m your wing-girl! As a Fellow Traveller, I’m in the thick of it too, hands-dirty, heart-open, doing the messy, soul-stretching work to thrive, love myself well, contribute to the world in meaningful ways, and walk in freedom.
I’ll be your guide. Your accountability partner. Your support. Your cheerleader. I’ll help you build the resilience to name your truth and find the courage to live in to it – creating a brave, whole and joyful life.
Keep digging my spiritual gardeners, you are digging for gold!
Go lightly, and always, ALWAYS with love
Deborah 💛
PS - I have two spots coming up in my Mentoring and Coaching in September. If you want some help getting clear on your specific situation and challenges, along with great tips, tools, and fab ideas for finding your way back to what matters most, send me a message. Or visit my website for more information.
PPS - know someone who might find this useful? Be a good friend and forward this email to them. It might really help.