I recently witnessed two of my dear friends get married at FABULOUS Jewish wedding on a beautiful summer’s day in London. It was full of love and symbolism and intentionality, full of a sincerity and hope that broke me open.
I believe in love so deeply, all the way to my bones !
Yet, love and marriage are not the same thing. Marriage is a complicated and dynamic construct, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what the ‘I DO’ really means?
As the daughter of two Irish-catholic immigrants, I was raised to believe marriage (or partnership) is about sacrifice and longevity. This wasn’t said out loud of course, but simply in the air I breathed and the examples I watched with wide eyes and a malleable nervous system.
It was clear the women in my world were responsible for holding the system together, to do the invisible labour of making sure the show stayed on the road - the mental checklists, planning, organising domestic chores, appointment making, thank you cards, tracking schedules, check in with parents, and emotional labour for everyone in the ecosystem (with or without kids) - all the while, maybe even holding down a full or part time job. Oh and, don’t complain about it.
The ‘I DO’ often meant putting parts of themselves away, their lives, careers and wild dreams for the most important dream of being 'chosen' as a wife and maybe becoming a mother – I mean, why would you want anything else?
It was normal – nope, expected! - to be the ultimate caretaker and put others first; to wrap yourself around another and be responsible for the relationship staying intact. Self-sacrifice was rewarded and admired by everyone - parents, in laws, partners and even society at large; this is what made a ‘good’ wife, a ‘good’ mum, a ‘good’ boss and a ‘good’ woman. And it wasn’t just my generational line, but woven into our community, where invisible threads of ‘compare and compete’ were stitched into the fabric of friendships.
I took it all in. And of course, left unchecked, my efficient nervous system was destined and hardwired to rinse and repeat; I was built and programmed to support others. Only now for my generation, I had to also live with the duality of being a feminist down to my core – you know, the wave that showed us we can (and should) do it all. All the while, creating the illusion (mostly to myself) that it’s fine and not sacrifice AT ALL. “Nope, no inner struggling here! I love the weight of my life, everything’s just fine.” (I feel tired even writing that.)
And even though my experience was no doubt, a more diluted version of the generations before me (and boy did they let me know about it!), this complex belief system meant everything was always underpinned with a sense of guilt.
Guilty for not doing enough for everyone else
Guilty for doing too much for everyone else
Guilty for taking care of myself
Guilty for not taking care of myself
Guilty for saying no
Guilty for not saying no
Guilty for wanting more
Guilty for staying small
Guilty for asking for help, or saying it’s too much
Guilty for not asking for help, or saying it’s too much
…. you get the picture. Oh, what a bind we’re in!
I can say with almost 100% certainty - where there is guilt upon guilt upon guilt, it’s sure to be followed up by a double-chaser of resentment! Resentment towards them, towards me, at the whole god-damn system – “it’s a set up!”
Despite all of my life-smarts and great capacity for self-awareness, I have at times still slept walked into recreating a version of this dynamic in my relationships. Epigenetics, DNA, well established systems and thousands of years of cultural conditioning - these are all powerful opponents my friend!
Like it or not, even in the most progressive relationships, as high-functioning women we’re still prone to taking on more than our fair share – not just with our partners, but the kids, pets, staff/team and now aging parents too. Oh, and while you’re there, don’t forget to sign up for the PTA, church committee, and be the office ‘mum’. Sound familiar?
Yup, I see you. You, who's always the one who always says, "I’ll handle it," quietly absorbing the pressure.
For so many of us, we’ve built lives where we hold everything together - conditioned to take on, not just the physical tasks, but the unseen mental and emotional load. Lockdown exposed so much of this – where the invisible became very much visible – and maybe this helped? Maybe things changed? Or maybe nothing changed, and we simply got angrier? (Quietly of course, we don’t want to make a fuss)
Think about it: How much of your mental energy goes into ensuring everyone else is okay? How often have you quietly adjusted your needs because it's easier than asking for help?
If this all sounds familiar and you’re feeling that heady cocktail of resentment, frustration and guilt, it’s a sure sign you’re ready for change. It’s time to renegotiate these dynamics—not just for efficiency, but for the freedom and growth for everyone.
And so, a good question to ask yourself is this –
What did I say “I DO” to? (or whatever your version of this might be, e.g. moving in together).
Is this a true partnership?
If it requires you to give up part of yourself, it's not a true partnership.
If there’s an unequal distribution of emotional, mental, and physical labour, it isn’t a true partnership
If it requires you to pretend and be dishonest within anyone, even yourself, for prolonged period of time, it's not a true partnership.
If it does not give you space to grow, change and pursue things that light you up, it is not a true partnership.
Now take a deep breath with me….that’s it. That truth bomb is a big deal, even to admit to your own sweet and scared heart.
BUT all is not lost my darling. I PROMISE.
What if there was another way? A way to live in your power without feeling like you're constantly drowning in responsibility? A way to redesign this mess and create a dynamic that better serves everyone?
And I don’t simply mean delegating tasks (although that’s part of it!) —it’s about reclaiming balance. It’s about creating a system where emotional, mental, and physical labour is visible and divided equally, allowing you all the space to breathe and thrive. It’s about letting go of the myth that you must do everything—and perfectly—just to feel valuable. It’s about letting other people stand in the centre of their lives and power, while you get to stand in yours.
Sounds good right?
So here’s the bad news. The Calvary is not coming (sorry!). Noone is sweeping in to change this for you.
But here’s the good news. Anything you’ve created, you can recreate. You have the power and experience and wisdom to build a new eco-system that is healthy and sustainable and supports ALL its members, in their fullest expression of themselves INCLUDING YOU!
What would it be like to create a true partnership, where YOU feel seen and supported and encouraged to grow and discover what else might light you up? Where there was space for your bigger dreams and no part of you needs to be pushed down or put aside?
What would it be like to co-create a partnership where the system felt fairer. Yes, the domestic responsibilities AND the mental load and emotional labour?
Here’s another way of looking at it – what will happen if you don’t change this? How sustainable is this status quo? How much longer can you stay where you are? For most people, there's a slow and quiet death happening and it’s a recipe for disaster for the relationship if unaddressed.
This dynamic runs deep in our culture. So how do we change “the system”? By changing our own microsystem first – we start up close, whether it’s in our romatic partnership, or our nuclear family, our family of origin or workplace.
Having equality at home and in relationships is a powerful change for everyone involved. This isn’t just about getting your partner to wash the dishes. It’s about shifting the entire landscape so that you can BOTH live fully. So you can BOTH thrive, not just survive. Rebalancing your home life can be the key to reigniting your passion for your relationship and your life.
And yes, it’s hard. Changing the system requires honest, sometimes uncomfortable conversations. But let me tell you—those moments where you learn to share the load, where you reclaim your time? They’re worth every tough conversation. It might be the very thing that saves you and your relationship.
Here are the steps I walk women through when renegotiating those boundaries.
1) be clear about what you want and need before communicating, (sounds easy, but most people don’t know what they actually want – only what they don’t want!)
2) set time aside to talk about it when emotions are low, and cognition is high (i.e. not in the heat of the moment)
3) connect with and share your WHY – why this is important to you, to the sustainability and quality of the relationship
I hope deep in my heart you’re ready to shift from just "getting by" to creating a life where you feel seen, supported, light, and joyful: creating a life and partnership you freaking love again.
You are not alone in this. So many women are journeying through this too. And I’m right here cheerleading you from the sidelines, walking in the same lane and encouraging others to do the same. Whether you take big leaps or baby steps, it’s the moving forward in the right direction is what counts.
We can do this. YOU can do this! You really can.
Be brave my little love warrior and go lightly, Deborah 💛
PS - message me! Let me know if this resonates by replying to this email – I LOVE getting your messages when something has landed just at the right time!
PPS - and if you want help and support navigating this relationship ‘reset’, I’m your girl! I’ve got one last Mentoring spot coming up in September. If you want this -
1. book 30-minute no-obligation discovery call to explore working together
2. We’ll quickly get clear on your specific situation and challenges.
3. Together we'll work out a plan to help you curate a life that feels joyful once again
PPPS - know someone who might find this useful? Be a good friend and forward this email to them. It might really help.